Men should just shove aspirin up their urethras

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Aspirin goes here.

Can I just say "thank you" to the GOP for reminding me in the last few weeks how very, very little some men think of women? I'd gotten pretty comfortable there, walking here and there with my ovaries and uterus, brazenly exposing my ankles and even sometimes my knees to the light, boldly driving around alone, my head uncovered and my torso uncorseted. Thinking, like a fool, that I am, here in 2012, a fully 100% citizen and human being in this great nation of ours, someone on par with people who have penises and testes, perhaps some hair on their chests. You know, someone whose full control over her body and her mind is never in question, whose choices about when to have sex and with whom are her own, whose choices about when to bear children and when not to are her own, whose right to have a violation of her body considered a criminal offense is a right retained.

Instead, here we are. When I look around at what's happening today, I feel that so little time has passed since I was born more than 40 years ago or, hell, since my great-grandmother was born in 1898. I could enumerate here the way assaults on the person of women, on their wombs and their vaginas and their rights and their personhood, feel here in 2012. But that's being done all over the Web as each little GOP mole pops up, says something straight out of 1850, and then steps aside for the next little mole.

I'd like to play a little game with you, instead. In the spirit of adventure, let's pretend that all of the shit people are doing against women in just the last week alone instead is being done against men. Here we go.

1. If a man joins the army and is raped, he should just expect that. I mean, damn. He's got an asshole, doesn't he?

2. If a man contributes to the formation of a zygote and then determines for myriad very personal reasons that having a child is not a rational decision at this time and chooses to terminate a pregnancy, he must have a six-inch wand shoved up his ass before the termination for no medically indicated reason. Oh, and then be told that this decision is a "lifestyle choice," because bringing a new human being into the world is a "lifestyle."

3. If a man wants to have birth control so that he doesn't find himself in the above situation, if he works for any entity that has anything whatsoever to do with a Catholic god, he must pay for that birth control himself because religious freedom, not personal freedom, takes precedence here and whatever a religion wants to do, it can. Given the prohibitions against all forms of sodomy, I guess that prostate exams also are out.

4. If a bullying congresswoman uses her power to discuss "religious freedom" in the context of birth control provision, in particular regarding condom use and vasectomies, she will have only women at the congressional hearing to discuss it and force out any man on the docket to speak. Some of the women who are allowed to speak will be nuns.

5. If a man wants to avoid contributing to the formation of a zygote, all he has to do is shove an aspirin up his urethra. That keeps things from coming out of it, you see.

There. Wasn't that fun? That's how it feels to be a woman, here, today, in 2012 in the United States of America. Great, isn't it?Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.